Consciously Adapting (Part 1)

Photo by Ross Findon on Unsplash

There can be no doubt that there is and has been so much change around us during the past year, from the way we learn and shop to the way we work and engage socially. What is important to bear in mind is that all the significant changes have impacted how we connect and engage with people. It may be the actual type of engagement (for example face to face meetings now being digital), or it may be time, intensity and consistency of our engagements (parents who used to see their children in the morning and evenings, now seeing them ALL day, or colleagues who worked very closely, not not seeing each other at all except for the digital meetings).

Now, many of us are VERY aware of how our engagements have changed, and sometimes this is a welcome change and other times the complete opposite. But, how often do we take stock of how our expectations and needs of those we engage with have also changed? Knowing that something is different is one thing, but being aware of how this impacts things and what we may need to do to still achieve what we want or need is another thing.

I would like to share an example of a pilot flying through turbulence to help demonstrate the importance of consciously (and actively) adapting to what’s in front of us, and how the actions or inaction that we take can impact our lives.

Consider for a moment that you are a pilot. You have planned a flight to a specific location. You have done all the necessary preparations and planning. Your plane is in perfect working order, your flight plan is complete and you feel comfortable to begin. And so you do. In the beginning the flight goes smoothly and autopilot is engaged and you sit back and relax to some degree. Unfortunately, some challenging weather has developed that was not expected and this is creating significant turbulence. Now, as the pilot you have a few options that you can choose from in order to react or respond to the situation that I explore below.

{Please note that the terms I refer to below are not Google-able words as I have concocted them for the purpose of this article, so please keep that in mind and I hope I saved you some time} .

Photo by Taiki Ishikawa on Unsplash

• Option 1: You leave the plane on autopilot as you engage with the passengers, trying to reassure them that everything is ok (“Actively-Avoidant Denialism” - pretending the problem is not going to affect you, or is not really even a problem - what problem? - and the destination is just ahead).

• Option 2: You return to the cockpit, see the challenging weather ahead, but keep the plane on autopilot, because after all, you had planned to follow that route, you did the hard work and so the plane must do the work now (“Stubbornly-Avoidant Denialism” - aware of the problem, but refusing to accept that: 1 - something needs to be done, 2 - I can do something, and 3 - actions (or inaction) have consequences). This is not to be mistaken for “Passive Acceptism” where one is aware of the challenges ahead but remains passive, takes no actions and ‘rides it out’ because at the end of the day, it “is what it is”.

• Option 3: You are aware of the weather challenges, turn autopilot off and remain determined to reach your destination according to the pre-planned route (“Stubbornly-Active Denialism” - Similar to points 1 & 2 of Stubbornly-Avoidant Denialism, except there is clear action taken to try to get to the destination via the exact route planned, not listening to the warnings and danger signs, often leading to damage or disaster).

• Option 4: You assess the difficult weather and the options available at the time to determine whether there is a new, safer route to reach the destination or whether a new destination needs to be identified and planned for (“Active Acceptism” - being consciously active in making informed decisions and implementing actions to achieve the revised desired outcomes).

Photo by Charles Postiaux on Unsplash

The above should hopefully make sense in terms of flying a plane, but life in general and our relationships in particular are no different. If we remain on autopilot in our own lives, we run the risk of getting caught in unnecessary ’turbulence’, that we can often find ourselves circling back to time and time again. Shifting our mindset from “passive-acceptism” or any of the “denialisms” towards one more aligned to “active-acceptisim” shifts the control back into our own hands. Not only are we able to feel and exert a greater sense of purposeful control over how we live our lives, but it also helps us gain clarity and insight into how we are living and why we are or have chosen the various “destinations’ that we are heading towards.

In my next article (part 2) I will offer some practical considerations that can greatly assist you in assessing, clarifying and planning your way through, or around the turbulence in your life. If you would like to get in touch to explore this topic further, please feel free to book a free consultation or an appointment by clicking here.

Creating realistic expectations

An expectation is defined as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case”. We all have them, and there is nothing wrong with having expectations. In fact, it is very important to have them, and we will all experience expectations to varying degrees about everything that happens in our lives.

Types of expectations

In this world of chaos, we seem to be in desperate need for some peace and calm to help us re-energise ourselves so that we can carry on. This is even more important when we add children into the mix. The question is, how? Some expectations take place in the background of our minds and we are not even aware of them, while others can consume our thoughts at times and cause significant challenges in the relationships we have with others, as well as with ourselves. It is important to take time to become aware of the expectations that we engage with the world through. Below are some considerations that can help you begin creating greater awareness.

• Front of mind - consciously aware of these expectations.

• Back of mind - subconsciously sitting in the back of our minds.

• Expectations of self

• Expectation of others

• Expectations of things

• Expectations of things in our control vs out of our control.

The power of expectations

At the heart of all frustration and disappointment are unmet expectations. I challenge you to consider the most recent disappointment you experienced, can you recall what the cause of this was? If you are able to reflect on this you are most likely going to arrive at a realisation that you had an expectation of a person, yourself or a situation that did not unfold as you had hoped (or expected) it to. Expectations have the ability to make or break relationships as well as individuals, and we need to be conscious of the role that we allow them to play in our lives on a daily basis. Expectations can be extremely powerful, and it is critical that they remain within our control and awareness.

Cycle of negative expectations

Unmet expectations can and likely will lead to arguments/fights/frustrations for all of us in all of the contexts that we operate in. The interesting thing is that the reason for our frustrations is not often related to the fact that OUR expectations have not been met, but rather there is a tendency to seek reasons or excuses through others behaviours. By emphasising the other persons behaviour, we do bring to the surface our expectations and can often make others aware of these expectations (unfortunately this is often done in indirect ways). Through this engagement, the other person or people become aware of what behaviour or actions ‘should’ have taken place. There is then likely to be a change in the behaviour, but often this is short lived. The reason that the effect is short lived is often due to the following:

• Frustrations / concerns are raised

• Other person aware / forced to be aware of their action

• Changes occur in others behaviour to meet expectation raised

• Reason / understanding not internalised by other as reasoning behind change is for another, not self.

• Over time, behaviour cycles back, creating an unmet expectation again.

Adjusting Expectations

It is critical to know and understand what expectations we hold for ourselves and of others. If we do not firstly know what our expectations are so that we can take steps to adjust them accordingly, we will be constantly disappointed. We need to bear in mind that we cannot (within reason) expect others to change their behaviour and the way that they engage with the world because we want it done differently. We do not have that amount of power or authority over other people, and when we assume we do, we often create situations that can become tense, frustrating and end in conflict.

We need to take ownership of our expectations, and understand why we hold them. As we gain insight into this, we become more empowered to make some changes. For example, we may hold an expectation of our partner that they should text a number of times through the course of a day. When this is not met, we may feel neglected and become frustrated or angry. In order to adjust my expectation, I need to understand that it is my need that leads me to feel neglected when I don’t receive the text messages. It is not my partners behaviour. If I understand this and am able to communicate this to my partner, we can engage in a conversation that can allow him/her to gain understanding regarding what is expected of them that can then be unpacked in terms of what is practical and realistic to expect. Thus, through this process we are able to understand our needs, adjust our expectations appropriately and communicate this to those concerned in order to avoid any misunderstandings.

Remember, adjusting expectations takes work and effort from you, but is necessary if we are to achieve a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction and happiness in relationships and life.

Realistic Expectations

Often there is a disconnect between what people expect and reality. Some considerations to close the gap between expectations and reality can be highlighted by asking why.

Question WHY you have certain expectations

• Where does the need / desire to achieve something come from?

• Who is it for?

• What does my expectation actually look like?

• Who am I expecting this from?

• What is the context of this expectation (eg parents expecting their children to behave / experience life as they did as a child) ?

Ask yourself these questions in order to be quite critical of the expectations that you hold. If you can confidently and realistically answer the questions, then most likely your expectations are reasonable.

Communicate Expectations

In order for any expectation to be achievable it needs to be communicated and understood by those that we expect it from. Some expectations may be common sense or in a similar ‘universal expectation’ group, and so these will likely not need to be communicated to some of those that we interact with (for example a shop assistant or a waiter). For the more specific expectations, however, we do need to communicate with those that we need the specific behaviour or engagement from. Critically though, we need to first and foremost communicate with ourselves as we need to know and understand what is expected and why.

We can then communicate with those that we have expectations of so that they can understand what is actually expected of them, and why. The communication process should allow for some discussion and possible negotiation of the expectations. We need to allow the other person / people to understand our motivation and allow them to discuss their understanding of achieving or meeting this expectation and the likelihood of it being continued. Through this communication process we are able to determine whether the expectations are realistically going to be achieved moving forward.

Expectation Review

Take time to regularly review your expectations, of self and others. Review, change or discuss expectations which seem to be unrealistic or that have changed over time. We need to constantly consider alternatives to achieve our expectations so that we can most often achieve what we need.

It is important that we find balance between the expectations we hold and the reality of our situations. If we are unable to negotiate this balance, we are likely to feel frustrated with unmet expectations. We have the power to adjust and manage our expectations, not to change who people are, or how they engage with the world. Focus on what you can do, and often the ripples of change become quite noticeable.

#communication #conflict #expectations #relationships