Consciously Adapting (Part 1)

Photo by Ross Findon on Unsplash

There can be no doubt that there is and has been so much change around us during the past year, from the way we learn and shop to the way we work and engage socially. What is important to bear in mind is that all the significant changes have impacted how we connect and engage with people. It may be the actual type of engagement (for example face to face meetings now being digital), or it may be time, intensity and consistency of our engagements (parents who used to see their children in the morning and evenings, now seeing them ALL day, or colleagues who worked very closely, not not seeing each other at all except for the digital meetings).

Now, many of us are VERY aware of how our engagements have changed, and sometimes this is a welcome change and other times the complete opposite. But, how often do we take stock of how our expectations and needs of those we engage with have also changed? Knowing that something is different is one thing, but being aware of how this impacts things and what we may need to do to still achieve what we want or need is another thing.

I would like to share an example of a pilot flying through turbulence to help demonstrate the importance of consciously (and actively) adapting to what’s in front of us, and how the actions or inaction that we take can impact our lives.

Consider for a moment that you are a pilot. You have planned a flight to a specific location. You have done all the necessary preparations and planning. Your plane is in perfect working order, your flight plan is complete and you feel comfortable to begin. And so you do. In the beginning the flight goes smoothly and autopilot is engaged and you sit back and relax to some degree. Unfortunately, some challenging weather has developed that was not expected and this is creating significant turbulence. Now, as the pilot you have a few options that you can choose from in order to react or respond to the situation that I explore below.

{Please note that the terms I refer to below are not Google-able words as I have concocted them for the purpose of this article, so please keep that in mind and I hope I saved you some time} .

Photo by Taiki Ishikawa on Unsplash

• Option 1: You leave the plane on autopilot as you engage with the passengers, trying to reassure them that everything is ok (“Actively-Avoidant Denialism” - pretending the problem is not going to affect you, or is not really even a problem - what problem? - and the destination is just ahead).

• Option 2: You return to the cockpit, see the challenging weather ahead, but keep the plane on autopilot, because after all, you had planned to follow that route, you did the hard work and so the plane must do the work now (“Stubbornly-Avoidant Denialism” - aware of the problem, but refusing to accept that: 1 - something needs to be done, 2 - I can do something, and 3 - actions (or inaction) have consequences). This is not to be mistaken for “Passive Acceptism” where one is aware of the challenges ahead but remains passive, takes no actions and ‘rides it out’ because at the end of the day, it “is what it is”.

• Option 3: You are aware of the weather challenges, turn autopilot off and remain determined to reach your destination according to the pre-planned route (“Stubbornly-Active Denialism” - Similar to points 1 & 2 of Stubbornly-Avoidant Denialism, except there is clear action taken to try to get to the destination via the exact route planned, not listening to the warnings and danger signs, often leading to damage or disaster).

• Option 4: You assess the difficult weather and the options available at the time to determine whether there is a new, safer route to reach the destination or whether a new destination needs to be identified and planned for (“Active Acceptism” - being consciously active in making informed decisions and implementing actions to achieve the revised desired outcomes).

Photo by Charles Postiaux on Unsplash

The above should hopefully make sense in terms of flying a plane, but life in general and our relationships in particular are no different. If we remain on autopilot in our own lives, we run the risk of getting caught in unnecessary ’turbulence’, that we can often find ourselves circling back to time and time again. Shifting our mindset from “passive-acceptism” or any of the “denialisms” towards one more aligned to “active-acceptisim” shifts the control back into our own hands. Not only are we able to feel and exert a greater sense of purposeful control over how we live our lives, but it also helps us gain clarity and insight into how we are living and why we are or have chosen the various “destinations’ that we are heading towards.

In my next article (part 2) I will offer some practical considerations that can greatly assist you in assessing, clarifying and planning your way through, or around the turbulence in your life. If you would like to get in touch to explore this topic further, please feel free to book a free consultation or an appointment by clicking here.

Covid-Relationships (Parent-Child)

The original article that I wrote a few weeks ago (Covid-Relationships) provides the starting point for this article that looks to support parents with their relationships with their children, not only to overcome some of the challenges that may have presented themselves during this lockdown period, but to allow your parent-child relationship to thrive!

A quick reflection

In the original Covid-Relationships article I refer to a number of considerations that we need to bear in mind as we progress through this lockdown period (and they will be helpful beyond this time too!). In a nutshell these points are:

• “All relationships take effort”, referring to the fact that as times change and relationships need to adjust, so does the amount or type of effort that we put into our relationships.

• “All relationships require balance”, so similar to the above point, be aware of how balanced your relationships are, what helps to maintain this balance and what you need to do should your balance be slipping.

• "All relationships have space parameters”, being aware of and adjusting to your ‘space’ needs those of the people we’re in relationships with can be a significant factor in maintaining a sense of balance.

• “All relationships have routines”, these help us to feel a sense of safety and certainty. Being able to recognise the role that routines play in our relationships will help us to adjust should the need arise.

• “All relationships have comfort zones” that allow us to feel comfortable to lower our guards, which is critical in all significant relationships. When the space begins to feel more threatening, we’re heading towards a rocky patch. Recognise, appreciate and adjust accordingly.

• “All relationships have breaking points” refers to the fact that we are all only human, and all relationships carry the potential for being broken, even between a child and a parent. Knowing the strength of a relationship, and the various signs that indicate that something is ‘off’ in the areas discussed above can help to safely steer around these breaking points. If not, we run the risk of creating irreparable damage.

As a parent, all these points apply to all of your relationships, including your relationship with your child(ren). Taking time to reflect on these points, and how things have shifted during the lockdown period will be a great place to start, following this, the four points discussed below will empower you to remain in control (as much as possible) and to maintain a focus on the positive influence you can have on your child to help them navigate their way through life.

Context

What is my role as a parent, and what am I dealing with.

Considering the fundamental question that explores your role as a parent can help to provide you with some context to what you are dealing with, or trying to deal with regarding your children. Similarly, through reflecting on this point we can begin to be able to separate issues that fall in the two categories of “Personal Stuff” and “Parenting Stuff”. Being able to recognise that there is a difference and this “stuff” needs to be separated and dealt with differently is critical to supporting your relationship with your child (as well as with yourself, which will be discussed in the final Covid-Relationship follow up article, coming soon).

Perspective

What is my ultimate goal as a parent?

Taking time to consider what you are actually working towards with each of your children, what you are supporting them to achieve, etc, or the type of person that you are moulding them into helps to provide us with some context to our engagements with our children. Being able to be critical with ourselves about the reasons that motivate us to achieve these (parenting) goals helps to sharpen our perspective and can also help in clarifying whether we are doing it for our children, ourselves, or someone else. (Here is a link to an article I wrote about Parental Blur which may be of interest to you)

Clarity

What is happening NOW that is helping or hindering my role and interfering in my parenting goals (for me and my child)?

Very often, when we are presented with challenges, we view them through layers of the past, multiple present factors, as well as thoughts, ideas, goals etc about the future. You can understand how this can complicate the actual matter at hand. Taking a little time to strip a situation down to the bare essential can help to provide greater clarity about what is actually going on, therefore empowering you to respond as best you can.

Planning

What needs to be done, changed, implemented or achieved?

Seeking to better understand your ‘context’, sharpening your ‘perspective’ and improving your ‘clarity’ will help to empower you to feel more in control and better equipped to focus on what is critical or a priority. In doing so, you will be able to plan and better implement your plans to engage with, support or intervene with your child. Ultimately, you are striving towards equipping them with the tools, skills and internal resources to manage whatever life throws at them, while trying to strength, build or maintain one of the most important relationships they will experience.

The Next Step

In order to discuss the points covered in this article in more depth, I will be hosting a live chat on 1 May. Please click here for Facebook Live or YouTube Live. If you found this article helpful, and feel others may benefit too, please share this with them, and encourage them to join the chat. For any questions, please contact me by clicking here.

Emotional & Psychological Trauma [Radio Interview]

I spoke to Wasanga Mehana on Talk Radio 702 about emotional and psychological trauma and how this can affect a person, as well as how we can heal. Take a listen...