Consciously Adapting (Part 1)

Photo by Ross Findon on Unsplash

There can be no doubt that there is and has been so much change around us during the past year, from the way we learn and shop to the way we work and engage socially. What is important to bear in mind is that all the significant changes have impacted how we connect and engage with people. It may be the actual type of engagement (for example face to face meetings now being digital), or it may be time, intensity and consistency of our engagements (parents who used to see their children in the morning and evenings, now seeing them ALL day, or colleagues who worked very closely, not not seeing each other at all except for the digital meetings).

Now, many of us are VERY aware of how our engagements have changed, and sometimes this is a welcome change and other times the complete opposite. But, how often do we take stock of how our expectations and needs of those we engage with have also changed? Knowing that something is different is one thing, but being aware of how this impacts things and what we may need to do to still achieve what we want or need is another thing.

I would like to share an example of a pilot flying through turbulence to help demonstrate the importance of consciously (and actively) adapting to what’s in front of us, and how the actions or inaction that we take can impact our lives.

Consider for a moment that you are a pilot. You have planned a flight to a specific location. You have done all the necessary preparations and planning. Your plane is in perfect working order, your flight plan is complete and you feel comfortable to begin. And so you do. In the beginning the flight goes smoothly and autopilot is engaged and you sit back and relax to some degree. Unfortunately, some challenging weather has developed that was not expected and this is creating significant turbulence. Now, as the pilot you have a few options that you can choose from in order to react or respond to the situation that I explore below.

{Please note that the terms I refer to below are not Google-able words as I have concocted them for the purpose of this article, so please keep that in mind and I hope I saved you some time} .

Photo by Taiki Ishikawa on Unsplash

• Option 1: You leave the plane on autopilot as you engage with the passengers, trying to reassure them that everything is ok (“Actively-Avoidant Denialism” - pretending the problem is not going to affect you, or is not really even a problem - what problem? - and the destination is just ahead).

• Option 2: You return to the cockpit, see the challenging weather ahead, but keep the plane on autopilot, because after all, you had planned to follow that route, you did the hard work and so the plane must do the work now (“Stubbornly-Avoidant Denialism” - aware of the problem, but refusing to accept that: 1 - something needs to be done, 2 - I can do something, and 3 - actions (or inaction) have consequences). This is not to be mistaken for “Passive Acceptism” where one is aware of the challenges ahead but remains passive, takes no actions and ‘rides it out’ because at the end of the day, it “is what it is”.

• Option 3: You are aware of the weather challenges, turn autopilot off and remain determined to reach your destination according to the pre-planned route (“Stubbornly-Active Denialism” - Similar to points 1 & 2 of Stubbornly-Avoidant Denialism, except there is clear action taken to try to get to the destination via the exact route planned, not listening to the warnings and danger signs, often leading to damage or disaster).

• Option 4: You assess the difficult weather and the options available at the time to determine whether there is a new, safer route to reach the destination or whether a new destination needs to be identified and planned for (“Active Acceptism” - being consciously active in making informed decisions and implementing actions to achieve the revised desired outcomes).

Photo by Charles Postiaux on Unsplash

The above should hopefully make sense in terms of flying a plane, but life in general and our relationships in particular are no different. If we remain on autopilot in our own lives, we run the risk of getting caught in unnecessary ’turbulence’, that we can often find ourselves circling back to time and time again. Shifting our mindset from “passive-acceptism” or any of the “denialisms” towards one more aligned to “active-acceptisim” shifts the control back into our own hands. Not only are we able to feel and exert a greater sense of purposeful control over how we live our lives, but it also helps us gain clarity and insight into how we are living and why we are or have chosen the various “destinations’ that we are heading towards.

In my next article (part 2) I will offer some practical considerations that can greatly assist you in assessing, clarifying and planning your way through, or around the turbulence in your life. If you would like to get in touch to explore this topic further, please feel free to book a free consultation or an appointment by clicking here.

Covid-Relationships (Parent-Child)

The original article that I wrote a few weeks ago (Covid-Relationships) provides the starting point for this article that looks to support parents with their relationships with their children, not only to overcome some of the challenges that may have presented themselves during this lockdown period, but to allow your parent-child relationship to thrive!

A quick reflection

In the original Covid-Relationships article I refer to a number of considerations that we need to bear in mind as we progress through this lockdown period (and they will be helpful beyond this time too!). In a nutshell these points are:

• “All relationships take effort”, referring to the fact that as times change and relationships need to adjust, so does the amount or type of effort that we put into our relationships.

• “All relationships require balance”, so similar to the above point, be aware of how balanced your relationships are, what helps to maintain this balance and what you need to do should your balance be slipping.

• "All relationships have space parameters”, being aware of and adjusting to your ‘space’ needs those of the people we’re in relationships with can be a significant factor in maintaining a sense of balance.

• “All relationships have routines”, these help us to feel a sense of safety and certainty. Being able to recognise the role that routines play in our relationships will help us to adjust should the need arise.

• “All relationships have comfort zones” that allow us to feel comfortable to lower our guards, which is critical in all significant relationships. When the space begins to feel more threatening, we’re heading towards a rocky patch. Recognise, appreciate and adjust accordingly.

• “All relationships have breaking points” refers to the fact that we are all only human, and all relationships carry the potential for being broken, even between a child and a parent. Knowing the strength of a relationship, and the various signs that indicate that something is ‘off’ in the areas discussed above can help to safely steer around these breaking points. If not, we run the risk of creating irreparable damage.

As a parent, all these points apply to all of your relationships, including your relationship with your child(ren). Taking time to reflect on these points, and how things have shifted during the lockdown period will be a great place to start, following this, the four points discussed below will empower you to remain in control (as much as possible) and to maintain a focus on the positive influence you can have on your child to help them navigate their way through life.

Context

What is my role as a parent, and what am I dealing with.

Considering the fundamental question that explores your role as a parent can help to provide you with some context to what you are dealing with, or trying to deal with regarding your children. Similarly, through reflecting on this point we can begin to be able to separate issues that fall in the two categories of “Personal Stuff” and “Parenting Stuff”. Being able to recognise that there is a difference and this “stuff” needs to be separated and dealt with differently is critical to supporting your relationship with your child (as well as with yourself, which will be discussed in the final Covid-Relationship follow up article, coming soon).

Perspective

What is my ultimate goal as a parent?

Taking time to consider what you are actually working towards with each of your children, what you are supporting them to achieve, etc, or the type of person that you are moulding them into helps to provide us with some context to our engagements with our children. Being able to be critical with ourselves about the reasons that motivate us to achieve these (parenting) goals helps to sharpen our perspective and can also help in clarifying whether we are doing it for our children, ourselves, or someone else. (Here is a link to an article I wrote about Parental Blur which may be of interest to you)

Clarity

What is happening NOW that is helping or hindering my role and interfering in my parenting goals (for me and my child)?

Very often, when we are presented with challenges, we view them through layers of the past, multiple present factors, as well as thoughts, ideas, goals etc about the future. You can understand how this can complicate the actual matter at hand. Taking a little time to strip a situation down to the bare essential can help to provide greater clarity about what is actually going on, therefore empowering you to respond as best you can.

Planning

What needs to be done, changed, implemented or achieved?

Seeking to better understand your ‘context’, sharpening your ‘perspective’ and improving your ‘clarity’ will help to empower you to feel more in control and better equipped to focus on what is critical or a priority. In doing so, you will be able to plan and better implement your plans to engage with, support or intervene with your child. Ultimately, you are striving towards equipping them with the tools, skills and internal resources to manage whatever life throws at them, while trying to strength, build or maintain one of the most important relationships they will experience.

The Next Step

In order to discuss the points covered in this article in more depth, I will be hosting a live chat on 1 May. Please click here for Facebook Live or YouTube Live. If you found this article helpful, and feel others may benefit too, please share this with them, and encourage them to join the chat. For any questions, please contact me by clicking here.

Covid-Relationships (Couples)

Following on for general Covid-Relationships article that I wrote last week, that explored some general relationship fundamentals to be considered in light of the lockdown situation and the additional stress that this is likely to be placing on us and those around us, this is the first of a four part series of articles that will take a specific look at four different relationship dynamics namely; Couples; Parent-Child; Professional; and your relationship with yourself, and some important considerations to bear in mind, and how the lockdown may “make or break” our relationships.

Childhood Experiences shape our perceptions

Perceptions of what adult relationships are like are shaped by the movies we watch the books we read, the stories we listen to, as well as the relationships we witness growing up. The exposure we have to adult relationships is likely to have one of four broad impacts on our perceptions and expectations of what relationships will be like, generally speaking.

1. We experience what is perceived to be an idealistic adult relationship between our primary carers (parents most likely). Our experience, and what they allow us to see leads us to internalise the belief that relationships are pretty easy, simple and perfect (if you find the right person). Relationships seem to be like fairy tales because we only ever see the good side of things. Very often in these situations, when the ‘bad’ parts of a relationship begin to surface, they get explained away, or our brains become trained to overlook certain things to hold onto the ideal in our minds. These individuals are likely to become preoccupied with the ideal relationship that lacks a sense of reality, creating difficulties for further partners.

2. If the relationship(s) that we witness from our primary carers is in stark contrast (or at least parts of the relationships are) to what we have heard, believe or expect of our own relationships in the future, it is likely that we may feel very strongly about holding onto our ideal version of relationships and so creates mechanisms to “avoid” or “defend” themselves from the negative relationship or aspects of the relationships. These defences become so deeply entrenched in our relationship ‘blueprint’ that we don’t even realise how the same defences and avoidance tactics that we adopted as a child still play a daily factor in our own relationships. Here, when a hint of what they experienced as a child begins to feature in their current adult relationships, the defences kick in and the ‘blind’, unintentional impact on the relationship can be significant.

3. If one were to be exposed to toxic and dysfunctional relationships, had very few opportunities to witness or experience positive relationships, and sadly becomes drawn into these negative relationships, we begin to see the perceptions and expectations of future relationships becoming tainted by their primary experiences. If a child is forced to take on unwarranted responsibility for a parent, and if required to grow up far quicker than they should, the innocence and idealistic expectations of the future can slowly begin to fade. Fast-forward and we are likely to see an adult who struggles to let people get close, and constantly (often inadvertently) seeks similar partners to their own experiences growing up. This is often a recipe for disaster.

4. Growing up in a family where we experience a healthy relationship between our primary carers that allows us to witness a more realistic sense of relationships, in that laugher, fun, affection and love are balanced with disagreements, conflict and challenging times. The healthy manner in which these are handled allow a child to understand that if things get tough it is ok and manageable. That honesty, effective communication and trust are essential for healthy relationships. These experiences are likely to contribute to an increased sense of self-worth and self-confidence which in turn are significant factors in positive and healthy adult relationships.

Couples during Covid

So what do our childhood experiences have to do with our current relationships during lockdown? Well, the reality is that the lockdown period is going to place a significant amount of additional stress on your relationship. What many people don’t realise is that our relationships are the ‘safe space” where we are able to vent, offload and deal with the world, and relationships are able to weather these ‘offloads’ due to the manner in which relationships seek to maintain a sense of balance, kind of like an mini ecosystem. So, let us consider the 6 fundamentals discussed in the first article, specifically in relation to your relationship with your partner.

Effort

Having our own routines disrupted has meant that we as individuals have had to adapt. We have had to find new and sometimes innovative ways to achieve personal goals and maintain our sense of self, such as home gym programs and video calls with friends and family. How has our relationship been affected during the lockdown,and what has changed?

Many of us may think that not much has changed, as I have heard many couples say things like “we are used to spending a lot of time together, so not much has changed’. The reality is that everything has changed. Whether you spent all your time together per-lockdown or not, you made your own decisions about who you spent your time with. Now, however, you don’t necessarily have a choice and the novelty of having your person with you all the time can soon wear off. Hence the need for new, or different EFFORT. We need to put a new type of effort in that is unique to your relationship that will help you both adjust to the situation. This can include things like date nights at home, doing housework together, or even just making a cup of tea.

Balance

“Relationships are able to last because of balance. If relationships are unable to balance out, they will not last”.

An important consideration for all couples is how did we maintain balance before this all happened, and what do we need to do to make the necessary adjustments? just assuming that you’ll be ok because you feel you’ve managed pretty well before will not be enough to preempt or avoid the storms that may be brewing. Things are different now, and so your balance needs to be different. Effective communication will play a critical role here to help identify concerns, discuss them and agree on a new plan moving forward.

Space Parameters

“We each have different needs when it comes to our mental, emotional and physical space”.

Very similar to the ‘balance’ discussed above, the same logic applies to our (and our partners) space requirements. Consider how you managed before, and why this was necessary? This will help you to better understand your needs so that you can determine what some suitable alternatives might be.

For example, if being able to go for a run after work was a means of clearing your head before fully engaging with your partner (because you needed that personal time to decompress from the stress of the day before switching into partner mode), finding a healthy “lockdown” alternative will be essential. Again, communication is critical to help your partner understand your needs and to communicate their needs.

Routines

“Routines in relationships often help to maintain the balance that holds them steady”.

The lockdown has forced us to change our routines in many (or all) aspects of our lives. It is important to consider how our old routines have been disrupted, what this means for us and how we actually feel about this. It is also important for us to consider what routines have we consciously or unconsciously replaced them with? Are these healthy and sustainable routines, or are they potentially disrupting other aspects of your relationship?

Comfort zones

Our relationships should be a space of comfort for both you and your partner (if not we need to have a different conversation). With disruption affecting all the aspects of our relationship as discussed above, are we able to still feel safe and ‘comfortable’ with each other? Being able to address the considerations above should help maintain this ‘comfort zone’. If you feel a change here, it may be a good indicator that some attention is needed.

Breaking points

Considering that we are all human, and no relationship is completely bulletproof, this lockdown may be the factor that contributes to this. It is very likely that the lockdown will not be the “reason” for a break in a relationship, but it may create a situation in which the negative or toxic and unresolved issue in your relationship comes to a head. How these are dealt with will then determine whether this is the breaking point of your relationship, or a turning point.

Bear in mind, that just because your relationship may be taking some strain at the moment, it does not mean that you are coming to your breaking point. Ensure that there is open, honest and ongoing communication that allows you and your partner to voice concerns and discuss issues. How we communicate is a key factor here, and we need to remember that everyone has a unique communication style. Work with each other, not again each other. The Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a great resource to use, or click here for an article that discusses expectations.

Looking forward

You have a few options during this lockdown period with regard to our relationships.

1. We let the ‘lockdown’ negatively impact our relationship as we just try to manage things. Here the lockdown is “in control”.

2. We try to continue as “normal” and pretend that nothing needs to change. Here, we try to ignore the need for change and adjustments as it’s easier to just carry on as normal for now.

3. Or, we embrace the opportunity that is presented to us to review our relationship and make positive changes that will benefit us beyond the Covid-19 situation. Here, we maintain our own control as we remain proactive and positive with the “when life throws you lemons” cliche playing in the back of your mind.