Creating realistic expectations

An expectation is defined as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case”. We all have them, and there is nothing wrong with having expectations. In fact, it is very important to have them, and we will all experience expectations to varying degrees about everything that happens in our lives.

Types of expectations

In this world of chaos, we seem to be in desperate need for some peace and calm to help us re-energise ourselves so that we can carry on. This is even more important when we add children into the mix. The question is, how? Some expectations take place in the background of our minds and we are not even aware of them, while others can consume our thoughts at times and cause significant challenges in the relationships we have with others, as well as with ourselves. It is important to take time to become aware of the expectations that we engage with the world through. Below are some considerations that can help you begin creating greater awareness.

• Front of mind - consciously aware of these expectations.

• Back of mind - subconsciously sitting in the back of our minds.

• Expectations of self

• Expectation of others

• Expectations of things

• Expectations of things in our control vs out of our control.

The power of expectations

At the heart of all frustration and disappointment are unmet expectations. I challenge you to consider the most recent disappointment you experienced, can you recall what the cause of this was? If you are able to reflect on this you are most likely going to arrive at a realisation that you had an expectation of a person, yourself or a situation that did not unfold as you had hoped (or expected) it to. Expectations have the ability to make or break relationships as well as individuals, and we need to be conscious of the role that we allow them to play in our lives on a daily basis. Expectations can be extremely powerful, and it is critical that they remain within our control and awareness.

Cycle of negative expectations

Unmet expectations can and likely will lead to arguments/fights/frustrations for all of us in all of the contexts that we operate in. The interesting thing is that the reason for our frustrations is not often related to the fact that OUR expectations have not been met, but rather there is a tendency to seek reasons or excuses through others behaviours. By emphasising the other persons behaviour, we do bring to the surface our expectations and can often make others aware of these expectations (unfortunately this is often done in indirect ways). Through this engagement, the other person or people become aware of what behaviour or actions ‘should’ have taken place. There is then likely to be a change in the behaviour, but often this is short lived. The reason that the effect is short lived is often due to the following:

• Frustrations / concerns are raised

• Other person aware / forced to be aware of their action

• Changes occur in others behaviour to meet expectation raised

• Reason / understanding not internalised by other as reasoning behind change is for another, not self.

• Over time, behaviour cycles back, creating an unmet expectation again.

Adjusting Expectations

It is critical to know and understand what expectations we hold for ourselves and of others. If we do not firstly know what our expectations are so that we can take steps to adjust them accordingly, we will be constantly disappointed. We need to bear in mind that we cannot (within reason) expect others to change their behaviour and the way that they engage with the world because we want it done differently. We do not have that amount of power or authority over other people, and when we assume we do, we often create situations that can become tense, frustrating and end in conflict.

We need to take ownership of our expectations, and understand why we hold them. As we gain insight into this, we become more empowered to make some changes. For example, we may hold an expectation of our partner that they should text a number of times through the course of a day. When this is not met, we may feel neglected and become frustrated or angry. In order to adjust my expectation, I need to understand that it is my need that leads me to feel neglected when I don’t receive the text messages. It is not my partners behaviour. If I understand this and am able to communicate this to my partner, we can engage in a conversation that can allow him/her to gain understanding regarding what is expected of them that can then be unpacked in terms of what is practical and realistic to expect. Thus, through this process we are able to understand our needs, adjust our expectations appropriately and communicate this to those concerned in order to avoid any misunderstandings.

Remember, adjusting expectations takes work and effort from you, but is necessary if we are to achieve a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction and happiness in relationships and life.

Realistic Expectations

Often there is a disconnect between what people expect and reality. Some considerations to close the gap between expectations and reality can be highlighted by asking why.

Question WHY you have certain expectations

• Where does the need / desire to achieve something come from?

• Who is it for?

• What does my expectation actually look like?

• Who am I expecting this from?

• What is the context of this expectation (eg parents expecting their children to behave / experience life as they did as a child) ?

Ask yourself these questions in order to be quite critical of the expectations that you hold. If you can confidently and realistically answer the questions, then most likely your expectations are reasonable.

Communicate Expectations

In order for any expectation to be achievable it needs to be communicated and understood by those that we expect it from. Some expectations may be common sense or in a similar ‘universal expectation’ group, and so these will likely not need to be communicated to some of those that we interact with (for example a shop assistant or a waiter). For the more specific expectations, however, we do need to communicate with those that we need the specific behaviour or engagement from. Critically though, we need to first and foremost communicate with ourselves as we need to know and understand what is expected and why.

We can then communicate with those that we have expectations of so that they can understand what is actually expected of them, and why. The communication process should allow for some discussion and possible negotiation of the expectations. We need to allow the other person / people to understand our motivation and allow them to discuss their understanding of achieving or meeting this expectation and the likelihood of it being continued. Through this communication process we are able to determine whether the expectations are realistically going to be achieved moving forward.

Expectation Review

Take time to regularly review your expectations, of self and others. Review, change or discuss expectations which seem to be unrealistic or that have changed over time. We need to constantly consider alternatives to achieve our expectations so that we can most often achieve what we need.

It is important that we find balance between the expectations we hold and the reality of our situations. If we are unable to negotiate this balance, we are likely to feel frustrated with unmet expectations. We have the power to adjust and manage our expectations, not to change who people are, or how they engage with the world. Focus on what you can do, and often the ripples of change become quite noticeable.

#communication #conflict #expectations #relationships

Being a Role Model as a Dad

What is a Role Model?

Let’s begin with a basic understanding of what a role model is. According to some dictionary definitions, a role model is “a person looked to by others as an example to be imitated”. We certainly see this all the time, with children and adults imitating various significant individuals like celebrities, politicians and family members. Unfortunately we may see a lot of poor behaviour being imitated. We don’t often see a lot of the good, positive behaviour being imitated these days, which is possibly a sign of the times. The world we live in has developed a far greater focus outwards and on image rather than on self development and the solid values that were esteemed more by past generations. The materialistic and superficial world we live in plays a role - but is not solely to blame.

What Role do you Model?

Those of you who have heard me speak, or have had a meeting with me before, will know that I push personal responsibility, in all contexts. We all need to take ownership of the things that are within our control as an individual. When we break it all down, there is not a great deal that is truly in our own control, but there are some very critical elements of our life that are.

• We choose our own behaviour - that is our choice.

• We choose how to respond to situations and people.

Considering this, how we are as a person, how we live our life, is significantly within our control. So take a moment to reflect on the person that we feel we are? How do you feel about how you live your life, engage with people and handle situations?

Me, Us and Them

Through my career as a psychologist, I have worked with many individuals and families across many contexts, within the school context as well as privately. Through these experiences, I have been able to conceptualise two theories that I make use of on a daily basis when I engage with clients.

Firstly, and probably most importantly is a concept that I apply to all situations and cases. This is my theory that all dynamics and relationships (irrespective of context) can be broken down into three components; ME, US and THEM. For now, we will focus on the family context.

• THEM - refers to the broader family context which includes your children - this is the last “stage / level”. Generally speaking, if things are going smoothly in the other domains, this area will functions relatively well with little need for intervention.

• US - refers to the “parental unit”, the family managers, the core of the family. The relationship between you and your partner, wife, ex-wife etc. This needs to be ideally in a state of balance, equilibrium and stable. If this is not, it will impact the THEM. This includes parenting styles, values, interests etc.

• ME - The “parental care” is comprised of individuals, and so we get to the first and fundamentally most critical component, you. You have a past, a history and baggage. Strengths and weaknesses, insecurities, we all do, we are only human. This being said, we need to acknowledge this and grow and develop who we are at our very core.

Why is this so fundamental to being a dad? Well, being a dad means being a role model 24/7, meaning that you as a person are being watched, imitated and criticised on your behaviour by your children every day. To be a solid role model, you need to be a solid individual. This leads me to my second theory…

One Way Glass Parenting

Being a parent is like living on shiny side of a one way mirror. Being a parent means that what we do is constantly being watch, analysed, monitored and remembered by our children. Being a parent is a whole lot less about the actual interactions with your children (although still critical), but it is so much more about how we are as an individual (ME) and very importantly as a couple/unit (US).

As we consider this, let’s shift our focus completely off your children for now and onto a few fundamental details.

• Couple Dynamics

Where last did you have a date night with your partner, that was all about the two of you, and did not involve conversation that focused on your children? How much affection do you demonstrate to your partner, and do your children see this? How do you and your partner function as a unit, and engage with each other both when the children are around and when they are not. Generally, how close are the two of you. Obviously each family is different and there are many separated, divorced and blended families, but the general principles still apply, even if this is in relation to you and your ex since you both are still the parents of your child/children.

• Couple Communication

How do you talk to your partner, and what do you talk about? Considering how you function and interact as a couple is very important as this sets the tone for the foundation of relationships that your children will develop and either seek or avoid later on in life. Do you prioritise your time with your partner, and do you demonstrate a sense of value and appreciation for them? Remember your kids are watching everything you do, and they are going to imitate you because you are their role model.

• Me as a person

Finally, we need to consider how we are as ourselves. How do we live our life when we feel no one is watching. How do you children see you just being yourself, and is this different to how you are with them or their mother? As you consider this point, consider how you do just be yourself, and whether you actually know or do this. The behaviours that your children see you living naturally are some of the behaviours that they are going to internalise and most likely adopt as their own. Remember, monkey see, monkey do.

See the short advert by napkin.org.au demonstrating the impact of the behaviour we model for our children.

Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit for, don’t underestimate what they see.

A starting point

Focus and invest time on the critical areas discussed above, yourself and your relationship. Learn to become more genuine with yourself and in your behaviour, and your children will begin to absorb what they see. This may take time, and yes a lot of effort, but you have to DO in order for your children to learn, you cannot just tell them how to be.

What is beneficial about this approach is that it has three potentially significant impacts:

1. We improve ourselves and strive towards being a better version of who we are

2. We improve our relationship

3. We improve our understanding of ourselves in relation to our children and so we enhance our relationships, interactions and impact where it really matters, with our children.

Time invested in yourself and your relationship is not wasted or selfish time, but rather a significant investment that will yield a return greater than what you were expecting.

#father #dad #DADitude #rolemodel #strong #parent

Support structures for divorced people [Radio Interview]

Lloyd Ripley Evans, education psychologist explained how the view of divorce has changed in our days and the difference between the support given to women and men.

Click the button below to listen to the podcast.

#parenting #dad #DADitude #divorce #family #support #talk #dadsofdivorce